A lovely night to pass away in your sleep.

They laid on the blow-up mattress in their living room, worn out from the day of unpacking.  The heat was relentless, and soon they would find relief in their entwined sleep.  He sat up.  "Do you smell that?"  She couldn't smell anything.  "I think that's gas."  No, no, it wasn't.  Well, it might have been, but she was too tired to care.  The city had various odors and none of them had done more harm than made her gag. "We should call the gas company," he persisted. Exhausted, she was desperate for an excuse to hush his anxiety.  She sniffed around the apartment, and lifted the window screen to stick her nose out the window.  It was coming from outside.  "Okay," he said, "so shouldn't we call?"  "Someone else will do it," she said,  "Lets go to bed."  Resigned, he laid down beside her and snuggled his nose into the back of her neck.  The room was dark and she soon found herself restless.  He had passed his anxiety on to her so that they both lay on the cool mattress, exhausted and brooding.  Eventually all four eyes closed, lucidly dreaming of dying in their sleep and content with their last moment together in that bed.

leaving the kids (a nanny's nightmare)

(summer 2010)


I have a week left with the kids. Then I'll prepare to move to NYC and I won't be their nanny anymore. I've been with them two and a half years.

I had a nightmare two nights ago.  I was pregnant.  I knew it, but my anxiety about the birth grew with my belly, and soon I was feeling heels and head push on the walls of my uterus.  Sorrow, mourning, confusion washed over the dream, and time moved quickly.  Soon I was in a large, cold, marble-floored hospital, which felt much more like a museum than it should have.  Gold rails, gold elevators, like the ones at the museum where I take the kids. I had decided to give the child up for adoption, certain that it was just too soon in my life to raise one on my own. Somehow my sister was giving birth to the baby that had grown in my uterus and I wasn't there to meet it for the first moment of its life.  Frantically, searching through the hospital halls for an answer to where my baby might be, I ran into Ryan, my partner.  He knows where the child is. He is calm and confident about our decision.  My view jumps to the child, then back to me, desperately searching for the baby before it is handed over to its new family.  And I awaken.

leaving the kids (a nanny's grief)

I wasn't sure if I should write it or paint it.  The kids have poster paints in the closet, and the black is just the right color for what I need to say. My mind is wandering along with my eyes through the dark spaces of the living room.  I have a light on, and turned off my internet browser to set the mood.  Elvis sings "Love Me Tender" on my iPhone.  Nope, the depression couldn't be any more textbook than it is right now; all the elements for an excellent breakdown.  Or breakthrough.  As long as I write it, it'll be a breakthrough. I'll have something in text to feel nostalgic about when I've left them and this emotional depth is long gone. Sleeping on the couch tonight because I'm lonely, or anticipating loneliness.  Preparing for it all.

I played Ms. Pac Man for 30 minutes right before I got here and my thumb aches from it, exacerbating the emotional pain from this horrific predicament. Tonight, K said, "I wish your new house was in Philadelphia".  Tears streamed down his face, and mine. What do I say to that?  How can I speak at that moment, and how can I expect to have a happy night in a quiet house after that conversation? Isn't it unhealthy to be this affected?  Does everyone else feel this deeply when they leave? To feel it settle into your skin, your eyes, it creates purpose for your body, your soul, reminding you how beautiful your simultaneous existence is, all through this fantastically depressive state of leaving these kids.  Music necessary.  Sad music.

One more week; seven days, their mother said, "Seven more days of Emily once [her partner] comes."  K understood, and tonight he showed me just how he understood.  Tears.  He looks like his mom when he cries.  He wasn't being melodramatic.  He was sad.  We stared at eachothers eyes, his head in my lap.  No words.  I asked him if he could find the words to tell me why he was so sad.  He shook his head.  I told him I couldn't find them either.  Sadness, sorrow, mourning, grief: there are no words for what this is, this departure, this farewell.  They're not my kids, but they're somewhere between a sibling and a son.  Their bodies and souls are connected to mine.  I can read them.  Eyes, mouth, bodies, voices, cries.  Cries.  The little one won't cry when I leave.  He doesn't know. I know. I know, and he won't.  How sad.  Two years old.  He doesn't have a clue how close he feels to me, I feel to him.  So close.  Closer than anyone.  I kiss his tears, his snotty mouth, drooling lips.  Lovely.  Really.  If I could do that every day, I would.  All of that closeness is the most lovely feeling.


I started with the kids when the little one was just a few months old. He was attached to his mother most of the time, and watched the older one, who was 2 at the time, with a neighbor of his from the same block. We would spend a few days together during the week and pick up his friend from daycare in the afternoon. I'd push the half-empty double stroller the half-hour walk to fetch his playmate. We'd talk about city things as we saw them pass by, and he pressed the handicap buttons as we squeezed through the doors into the building.  The stroller would sit outside while we walked, hand in hand, into his playmate's classroom. The teachers would say hellos and goodbyes, and both would climb into the stroller for the long walk home. Every day, K would reach back behind his head and stick his tiny hand through the opening in the stroller. We'd hold hands the entire walk home; a silent affirmation that I was, indeed, his.

Girls pee out of their butts. (part three)

The first conversation on this subject, described in part one, came to me in the middle of earning my Women's Studies degree. Now, I'm a year out of school. I'm nannying for 1.5 year olds and writing on the side, and I came home for a week to see my family. I spent most of the day, today, with my 4 year old nephew. He's well-spoken and curious, but also a bit modest at times. Though today he came into the bathroom with me at the restaurant where we were eating lunch. When I sat down to go to the bathroom, he unabashedly searched for the source of my pee. I asked him if that's what he was looking for, and he smiled, "Yes. Do you pee out of your butt?"  I explained that just like he has a penis, I have a vagina, and that it would be funny if we peed out of our butts. And we laughed. (Though my mom did point out later that we actually pee from our urethra. But I knew that's not what he was getting at.)

He didn't say another word until we were in the car later and he decided to tell me, as a joke, that girls pee out of their penises. Now, were he my kid, it would have been a bigger opportunity to explicitly discuss the fact that some girls do in fact have penises and some boys have vaginas. Though I am his aunt. I can't go full feminist on the kid then leave him hanging when I head back home to NYC. I only see him a few times a year. But I can at least plant a few seeds so that when he's 14 and curious, he knows who to talk to.
I said,

"You know, some girls do have penises and some boys have vaginas."
"Why?"
"Just because they do. Everyone's different."
"Oh."

And he simply continued with the former conversation;

 "Well boys pee out of..what's that word again?"
"Vaginas"
"Boys pee out of vaginas!"
*snicker*

This continued for awhile, and I felt accomplished.  I taught him a useful word today, though it wasn't much of an anti-transphobia teaching moment.

Do girls pee out of their butts? (part two)

I've had this conversation with two three/four year old boys-- one, a child whom I nannied since he was 2, and the other with my nephew. I'm sure the question is asked of many caretakers, by children figuring out what to call theirs and others' body parts. It's a process for each family, largely depending on how comfortable the parental figures are with discussing unexposed body parts. The exposed ones, however, are an integral part of 'the baby show' (things parents make their children perform to demonstrate their growth).  It's true - parents are obsessed with watching their children point to their own body parts:

"Where are (baby)'s eyes?"
[baby points to eyes]
*eruption of awe/pride/enthusiasm/encouragement/applause*

Certainly, as a nanny and as a sister, I have little access to how this manifests itself in more intimate situations when parental figures discuss the unexposed body parts. Some children have more exposure to their parents' bodies than others. Some parents feel comfortable walking around their home naked. Others' children have never seen them in their underwear. And though a parent's modesty is not always indicative of their child's ability to name body parts , I think it's safe to assume that the child will have a better reference if she's seen her family naked before. But it's around 3 or 4 when these questions come out of their mouths. Sure, for some kids it's earlier, or if you're a very open parent, the child me already be well-equipped with body part language.  When I have a kid, I'm going to tell him what a vagina is and her what a penis is. And I'll tell him that I have one or that her father has one. And they'll see it, and when they point to it and name it, we'll cheer just like parents do when kids point to their noses. Because knowledge is good and all types of bodies are natural and normal.