Mommy and me.

As a nanny, I am a part of the sometimes difficult but most often beautiful intimate life of a family. There are no adequate words for my role, only stigmatized words-- nanny, babysitter-- that have their own contexts attached. I don't mind these words because I tend to pick the sort of families who disregard their stigmas, or are actively aware of them. While power dynamics are unavoidable, I've learned enough about them by now to navigate comfortably and chose families who are aware of how unique my position is in their personal lives.

The intimate experiences I have in these families' personal lives are not only driven by relationship with the child, but also with the mother (and inevitably the father). With most families, the mother is the primary caretaker; my boss of sorts. My relationship with her is one of mentorship that I haven't found anywhere else in my life. Sure, for many nannies, the mother-nanny relationship can be volatile and difficult. Mine just haven't been - partly because of the families I find, partly because of my work ethic.

From the first time I work in their homes, I come into the house as a virtual tool for the mother/father (the primary caretaker).  I listen to what they want, follow their guidelines, and act as one piece of their support system. For a couple of them, leaving for work has been a site of mommy guilt that I try my best to mediate. These are not my children, nor do I want children anytime soon. But it is my job to make sure these mothers and fathers feel as comfortable and content as they could possibly be to leave their child with another person. I am the surrogate family while they're away and, in the process, I become an odd piece of their family unit. We still haven't figured out what to call my place in the family. It's more than a sitter, more than a nanny, but not real family -- a strange in between.

My relationship with the mother, though, has given me an understanding of motherhood that I couldn't have gotten elsewhere. I work so closely with her that I can anticipate her parenting-style and transfer it to my work while watching her child. This closeness comes from the respect I feel for her and the constant respect and gratitude that she expresses to me for caring for her children and for my hard work. This mutual respect translates itself in other parts of life - I am overwhelmingly happy for her family when something goes right and equally devastated when I experience them in sadness and grief. It's not only the child that makes my job complex and beautiful, it's the opportunity to view individual motherhood this intimately.

so you're asking for advice (do you really want the truth?)

So I've mostly worked for very kind, loving families who consider me more than a 'nanny' and who consider me a part of their extended families. At times, though, as often happens with siblings, parents, and close friends, there comes a moment when they ask your opinion. And you really have to contemplate whether or not to tell them the truth. It's always happened and I tend to avoid telling the truth in most instances so as not to overstep any boundaries or to awaken any underlying power dynamics that I work to overcome.

energia.

I couldn't sleep well last night and woke up with ample energy. Never usually works that way, but I've been keeping active lately and I think I just got past the sore-muscle phase of exercising and started storing extra energy, or something to that effect.

With D today, went to the library where they had a small but lively children's section. Nannies galore, all older women of color.  Two women were speaking in Spanish with an accent I could understand and D took an interest in the children they were watching.  We chatted a bit in English because I am becoming increasingly afraid to converse in Spanish (perhaps afraid that I don't know how poor my Spanish has gotten.)  I should have spoken at least a bit - kind of an asshole move, hm?

There aren't as many young nannies in this part of Manhattan, which is shocking considering I live on Columbia campus. I've only met one woman around my age who is in the same sort of Academic Limbo as I am experiencing.  Philadelphia was much more full of student nannies. I'm not sure if it's because conscientious people who use nannies/sitters/caregivers feel more comfortable having to exploit young college students for cheap childcare than older woman immigrants. I do. Or maybe immigrant labor is going out of style.

aerobics in your livingroom.

Good day. Happy work and cold walks in the sun. The kid I watch is freaking cute and showed it especially today. During nap I took it to the extreme with Tony Horton for a good 45 minutes. Then I showered--all at work, that is. I wonder how many times I've secretly showered in families' homes? I dry my hair super quick to make sure I don't look suspicious, or in case they come home mid-day to get something from their apartment. I know if I asked them they wouldn't mind me using their shower. But I like the excitement. And I don't really want them picturing me working out in their living room.

24

My 24th birthday brought on an unexpected anxiety. Mainly that I'm not in my early twenties anymore and I haven't accomplished what I had envisioned I would accomplish by this time in my life.  I never had a real vision, but I knew I wanted to be one who did big things young. And by young, I mean early twenties.  This dream is quickly slipping away while I try to save myself from complacency.  I know, I'm still young, and I have many more years to accomplish the big goals in my life.  But, to be honest, I hate that excuse -- my anxiety has much less to do with age and much more to do with my experiences. Having experienced what I have in my life, I would like to think that I have something to show for it besides writing and ideas. But really, that's all I've got.

First playground day of the season.

Today was the first day of work this year that was nice enough to spend more than a half hour at the playground.  I was with D, a chubby 15 month old who I watch two full days a week. He's good company and fun to play with but I didn't have the same energy today. I've been in an unmotivated rut lately and have hit a mental/emotional dead-end with every project I've been working on recently.

I met a companion in the park today-- a woman around my age who is in the same position. She graduated in 2009 (I graduated in 2010 with my degree in Women's Studies while working as a Nanny in Philadelphia) and has been nannying with the same family ever since. We shared a moment of, "I don't know what I'm doing with my life," which felt good to experience some sort of comradery. But I finished off my day with zero energy and by 5:30 I was on my couch in my pajamas. Tomorrow's my birthday, and I feel pretty shitty about my life.

I really wanted to have done something enormous by age 24. Does that sound foolish?