The first conversation on this subject, described in part one, came to me in the middle of earning my Women's Studies degree. Now, I'm a year out of school. I'm nannying for 1.5 year olds and writing on the side, and I came home for a week to see my family. I spent most of the day, today, with my 4 year old nephew. He's well-spoken and curious, but also a bit modest at times. Though today he came into the bathroom with me at the restaurant where we were eating lunch. When I sat down to go to the bathroom, he unabashedly searched for the source of my pee. I asked him if that's what he was looking for, and he smiled, "Yes. Do you pee out of your butt?" I explained that just like he has a penis, I have a vagina, and that it would be funny if we peed out of our butts. And we laughed. (Though my mom did point out later that we actually pee from our urethra. But I knew that's not what he was getting at.)
He didn't say another word until we were in the car later and he decided to tell me, as a joke, that girls pee out of their penises. Now, were he my kid, it would have been a bigger opportunity to explicitly discuss the fact that some girls do in fact have penises and some boys have vaginas. Though I am his aunt. I can't go full feminist on the kid then leave him hanging when I head back home to NYC. I only see him a few times a year. But I can at least plant a few seeds so that when he's 14 and curious, he knows who to talk to.
I said,
"You know, some girls do have penises and some boys have vaginas."
"Why?"
"Just because they do. Everyone's different."
"Oh."
And he simply continued with the former conversation;
"Well boys pee out of..what's that word again?"
"Vaginas"
"Boys pee out of vaginas!"
*snicker*
This continued for awhile, and I felt accomplished. I taught him a useful word today, though it wasn't much of an anti-transphobia teaching moment.
Showing posts with label gender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gender. Show all posts
Friday, May 6, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Do girls pee out of their butts? (part two)
I've had this conversation with two three/four year old boys-- one, a child whom I nannied since he was 2, and the other with my nephew. I'm sure the question is asked of many caretakers, by children figuring out what to call theirs and others' body parts. It's a process for each family, largely depending on how comfortable the parental figures are with discussing unexposed body parts. The exposed ones, however, are an integral part of 'the baby show' (things parents make their children perform to demonstrate their growth). It's true - parents are obsessed with watching their children point to their own body parts:
"Where are (baby)'s eyes?"
[baby points to eyes]
*eruption of awe/pride/enthusiasm/encouragement/applause*
Certainly, as a nanny and as a sister, I have little access to how this manifests itself in more intimate situations when parental figures discuss the unexposed body parts. Some children have more exposure to their parents' bodies than others. Some parents feel comfortable walking around their home naked. Others' children have never seen them in their underwear. And though a parent's modesty is not always indicative of their child's ability to name body parts , I think it's safe to assume that the child will have a better reference if she's seen her family naked before. But it's around 3 or 4 when these questions come out of their mouths. Sure, for some kids it's earlier, or if you're a very open parent, the child me already be well-equipped with body part language. When I have a kid, I'm going to tell him what a vagina is and her what a penis is. And I'll tell him that I have one or that her father has one. And they'll see it, and when they point to it and name it, we'll cheer just like parents do when kids point to their noses. Because knowledge is good and all types of bodies are natural and normal.
"Where are (baby)'s eyes?"
[baby points to eyes]
*eruption of awe/pride/enthusiasm/encouragement/applause*
Certainly, as a nanny and as a sister, I have little access to how this manifests itself in more intimate situations when parental figures discuss the unexposed body parts. Some children have more exposure to their parents' bodies than others. Some parents feel comfortable walking around their home naked. Others' children have never seen them in their underwear. And though a parent's modesty is not always indicative of their child's ability to name body parts , I think it's safe to assume that the child will have a better reference if she's seen her family naked before. But it's around 3 or 4 when these questions come out of their mouths. Sure, for some kids it's earlier, or if you're a very open parent, the child me already be well-equipped with body part language. When I have a kid, I'm going to tell him what a vagina is and her what a penis is. And I'll tell him that I have one or that her father has one. And they'll see it, and when they point to it and name it, we'll cheer just like parents do when kids point to their noses. Because knowledge is good and all types of bodies are natural and normal.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Girls pee out of their butts. (part one)
(written 6/2009)
I’m a babysitter. I watch a 1 year old and his 3 year old brother when he’s not at daycare. I’m constantly watching their training in gender and sexuality. Neither has yet noticed (or verbalized in the 3 year old’s case) much about race or class. Luckily their parents are sociologists, so maybe they’re better off than other kids on the block. But the 1 year old is always playing with his penis when his diaper’s off and the 3 year old is constantly in dialogue about who’s a girl and who’s a boy because the kids in his class are 4 and have already been taught that it matters.
About a month ago, he told me that his friend at school was a girl. I asked him how he knew and all he could tell me that she was yellow and he was green on their name board at daycare, so that means she’s a girl and he’s a boy. His little brother, age 1, has a playmate come over a few mornings a week. I watch both of them, together. When I change her diaper, he stares at her vulva. He doesn’t ask questions in his language of sounds; he just stares as closely as she lets him, and silently.
The other day, the 3 year old told me that I am a girl while he was in the bathroom watching me sit on the toilet. I asked him how he knew: "Boys stand up and girls sit." Me: "To pee?" Him: "Yep."
I then asked him if people who sit down to pee have penises. He said that boys have penises and girls have butts. Sure, his perspective is that female bodies he's experienced do not have penises like he does, so it's a logical step to assume that they just pee out of their butts. So I explained to him that if you don't have a penis, you have a vulva (I wasn’t sure whether to say vulva or vagina, so I went for vulva). He smiled and said, ohhhhhh. I asked him to repeat it. He did.
And now as I’m writing this, I come to the conclusion again that the connections classmates and tv shows and, often, families make between sex and gender create the complication for children. Children learn at age one that they have a penis or vulva and like to play with it while they’re naked. They learn with their eyes before language even comes to them; before they can ask questions about what they see. Then by age 3, when their words have developed, they learn that girls are yellow and boys are green (or pink and blue) and that boys have penises and girls ‘don’t’ and that girls play with dolls and boy’s ‘don’t', etc.. I am constantly seeing (with every single child I babysit) this forced binary. Already at age 3 this child is wrongly being taught to bridge the disconnect between the body and gender. He knows it doesn’t necessarily make sense. But he’s listening very carefully to people around him to hear what’s 'right' about the world. As long as they tell him the that the body and gender are related, I will always be the girl babysitter with no penis.
(And I’m tired of hearing the ‘kids-who'll-stand-up-to-pee’ on the block tell him that his Hello Kitty stuffed animal is for girls.)
I’m a babysitter. I watch a 1 year old and his 3 year old brother when he’s not at daycare. I’m constantly watching their training in gender and sexuality. Neither has yet noticed (or verbalized in the 3 year old’s case) much about race or class. Luckily their parents are sociologists, so maybe they’re better off than other kids on the block. But the 1 year old is always playing with his penis when his diaper’s off and the 3 year old is constantly in dialogue about who’s a girl and who’s a boy because the kids in his class are 4 and have already been taught that it matters.
About a month ago, he told me that his friend at school was a girl. I asked him how he knew and all he could tell me that she was yellow and he was green on their name board at daycare, so that means she’s a girl and he’s a boy. His little brother, age 1, has a playmate come over a few mornings a week. I watch both of them, together. When I change her diaper, he stares at her vulva. He doesn’t ask questions in his language of sounds; he just stares as closely as she lets him, and silently.
The other day, the 3 year old told me that I am a girl while he was in the bathroom watching me sit on the toilet. I asked him how he knew: "Boys stand up and girls sit." Me: "To pee?" Him: "Yep."
I then asked him if people who sit down to pee have penises. He said that boys have penises and girls have butts. Sure, his perspective is that female bodies he's experienced do not have penises like he does, so it's a logical step to assume that they just pee out of their butts. So I explained to him that if you don't have a penis, you have a vulva (I wasn’t sure whether to say vulva or vagina, so I went for vulva). He smiled and said, ohhhhhh. I asked him to repeat it. He did.
And now as I’m writing this, I come to the conclusion again that the connections classmates and tv shows and, often, families make between sex and gender create the complication for children. Children learn at age one that they have a penis or vulva and like to play with it while they’re naked. They learn with their eyes before language even comes to them; before they can ask questions about what they see. Then by age 3, when their words have developed, they learn that girls are yellow and boys are green (or pink and blue) and that boys have penises and girls ‘don’t’ and that girls play with dolls and boy’s ‘don’t', etc.. I am constantly seeing (with every single child I babysit) this forced binary. Already at age 3 this child is wrongly being taught to bridge the disconnect between the body and gender. He knows it doesn’t necessarily make sense. But he’s listening very carefully to people around him to hear what’s 'right' about the world. As long as they tell him the that the body and gender are related, I will always be the girl babysitter with no penis.
(And I’m tired of hearing the ‘kids-who'll-stand-up-to-pee’ on the block tell him that his Hello Kitty stuffed animal is for girls.)
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